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“I know relationships are not a walk in a park but how can I tell if a relationship is worth it or if it’s toxic and should be let go?” Yolanda, 27 years old
You feel your partner is great most of the times. But there are times when you wonder. There are some things about him that just grind your gears, maybe more.
Lack of helpfulness
You feel he tends to lack the right things to say if you’re in a time of need. If you vent to him, it’s almost like it makes him uncomfortable and he says nothing or all the wrong things. That frustrates the hell out of you. Your biggest problem seems to be the lack of helpfulness when you need him.
This could become a deal breaker in the relationship especially if both partners have two different ways of expressing love and they aren’t meshing.
It sounds like communication is an issue and talking with him about it in a calm manner could help. Sometimes, partners are confused or simply don’t understand what we want from them, and don’t know if they should say something or not. The tone of our message matters the most when we want to make ourselves understood.
According to Chapman, there are 5 ways to express and experience love, called “love languages”:
• Receiving gifts
• Quality time
• Words of affection
• Acts of service (devotion)
• Physical touch
One may find her love language to be “acts of service” and his partner is “physical touch”. So if he takes the trash out, replace a light switch or help you with your laptop problem, you feel like he is giving you a diamond bracelet. Because you showed him your ways of feeling loved.
And as long as you show him love in the ways that he receives it, he is happy as can be.
So this could possibly be fixed with a bit of work if you both have the will.
Compromising what you need to give him what he wants
Your partner does not include you in his future plans, ignores your needs or puts them on hold for most of the times. But you stay thinking you will change him in the long run. Trying to change your man will turn into a waste of time. You staying with him and not standing your will, only allow him to be comfortable with the way things are. Why do you have to be the one sitting and waiting around for him to change his mind?
Suppose he doesn’t change? Are you going to compromise what you need to give him what he wants? I wouldn’t wait for him to change. Don’t be a “phase” in someone’s life.
You don’t like the way he talks to you or treats you. You are tired of being called names, you feel emotional neglected (lack of action, his failure to respond adequately to your emotional needs) and every time you try tell him how you feel, he rolls his eyes. These matters can be disrespectful and insulting and a sign that one partner does not value the other partner anymore.
Some people can go many years in an unfulfilling relationship or marriage due to emotional neglect, and not really understand why they are unhappy.
It can be because of not setting healthy boundaries in the first place or overstepping them.
You need to decide when enough is enough and how much do you value yourself. Sometimes you need to wake up to what’s so obvious to the outside.
Your partner is a great person, understanding and helpful. Yet you feel like there is no progress or no spark anymore.
What do you do to grow your relationship/marriage? Do you still go out together, on dates? A relationship takes work, if you’re not working on it, it will go stagnant. When was last time you went on a holiday just you and him?
Planning some quality time together, some nights out or surprising your partner can bring the spark back. Start putting some effort to show appreciation, and show him what works for you as well in order to receive love. You can’t just put the autopilot on and expect it to be amazing.
Communication is the key. And not just saying how you feel or blaming him, but being calm and honest.
Every time you argue, he threatens he will leave you, or tells you things that hurt and set distance between you two. You accept once, twice, and by the time you want a change, the pile is that big that you wouldn’t even know where to begin with.
When trying to share your thoughts, you both end up having a fight. You think of leaving but you are not sure of how you would cope with that since you feel low and not sure of the decision.
You’ve just been holding on trying to have some hope things will get better. But the more you wait, the more you get disconnected with yourself and unclear with your choices. You’ve heard a lot of promises that he will change or that it’s the last time you see him like that.
Every time you want to leave, you think of what everyone will say? Your neighbors, relatives, and friends? And if you feel financially dependent on him, and he is controlling and jealous, this makes it even harder for you to take the right steps.
Start growing self-independence, taking control over your life. Start setting boundaries and if you have accepted once, chances are it will happen again. See yourself as a woman and not as his property.
All of these steps may sound very hard to take but it is harder to not do them and stay in a miserable relationship.