So many people are wondering what the heck am I doing all by myself in a foreign country. I’ve received so many questions, such as: Did you move? What are you doing there? How’s vacation going? What are your plans for the future?
The answer is: It’s not a vacation. It’s not a new job. I don’t have a plan. The only certainty is that I want to live. With all my heart. I want to live the life I know I have been preparing for since maybe before coming into this world.
So… here I am. In Espinho, Portugal. What am I doing here? I am healing. I am healing from a long period of toxicity in both my heart and life. I couldn’t make any step forward at home, surrounded by everything that reminded me of all the filthy parts of my existence. Death. And pain. And my real truth is that actually, no one is there with you when shit happens. Real life shit. But everyone is there when you are sparkling joy. Until they take all your spark away. And then you look in the mirror and you don’t know where or when exactly you’ve lost yourself, the one that you know deep in your heart is actually YOU.
“Work on being in love with the person in the mirror who has been through so much but is still standing.”
I am learning here to love myself again. To accept the loss I’ve experienced in my life. To accept the harsh truth and forgive and move on. To take one step at a time. To breathe the fresh air. To eat the damn healthy food. To cure myself of all the shit that’s been projected upon me. To be happy that I get to see a new day, a new dawn, a new sunset. To hear the birds sing. To feel the wind upon my cheeks. To feel the salty ocean waves touching my skin.
I am surprised to see that my core values (even though I’ve been through hell and back – those who know me know what I mean) remained untouched. Love is all that matters. Love can do wonders. I truly believe this. With every bone in my body.
“Life is about moving on, accepting changes and looking forward to what makes us stronger and complete.”
Love and believe! What you believe, you become. This life is not meant to be lived in isolation. This life is to be shared, felt with all the senses. You need to be confident enough to know your true self and stay true to yourself, but vulnerable enough to know when to open yourself and embrace the journey, with all your hopes up. And fight for it with all your being and with everything that you are.
Of course, there’s sadness in letting go. But you get to one point when you really know. You know you need to save yourself. And you owe it to yourself to start feeling alive again. So this is what I am doing here, in a little-isolated town in Portugal, far away from my real home.
It is high time I said goodbye to sadness and embraced a happy outcome. Or at least a chance of having one. Enough sadness is enough. Even for someone like me. Dooming myself for a life of regrets is not something I can live with. Dooming my children to have anything less than what I know it’s the real deal is something that strengthened me to be able to take a step back and look at the whole picture of what I call my life.
I don’t know if I’d had the courage to stand up for myself if I hadn’t seen that all of a sudden I was left alone. By my parents, by the one whom I thought was the love of my life, by my friends, by my so-called relatives. Everything collapsed. And no one was there. But I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. Both my parents dying so young, almost at the same time. People showing me their true colours only when darkness showed up on my path. I don’t blame anyone, it’s just the harsh reality that just like you learn to breathe alone, you also die alone. I’d like to know I’ve done my best at this shot called LIFE.
I am grateful I haven’t lost my mind. I am more emotionally stable than ever. I can sit and observe. I am able to learn from my mistakes. I am able to choose a better future for myself. And most importantly, I am able to save myself. And believe in me.
Thank you all for being there or leaving me alone to deal with my shitty days. Either way, it’s been a chance for me to prove myself that I can really overcome anything ON MY OWN. It wasn’t something I wanted, but it was something that helped me understand that YOU ARE THE CREATOR OF YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.
The easiest thing to do in life is to break and not to build, but it is our duty to at least give our best and build.
People create their real distance in their souls, life does nothing but fulfill it.