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Infatuation can come in many different ways, but it always starts with some sort of butterflies. You may call it a hormonal storm if you like. Next thing you know you start building expectations, projecting your feelings to the future, defining possible ‘us’ and start considering yourself being in a relationship. You naturally build an emotional attachment that often gets confused with love.
If you look at it from the side, you will clearly see the danger in it because attachment creates conditional love. You get attached because of a need for belonging that is somehow often fulfilled by another person and if that person happens to be your partner then you might label it as ‘love’. But is it always the case?
Be honest in answering the questions below, try to define where you stand in your relationship and work towards finding a balance in your life.
Did you get into a relationship to avoid being alone?
I’ve seen too many couples struggling to make things happen, having big expectations and then blaming each other when things don’t go as planned: ‘You’re not good enough’, ‘you don’t make me happy anymore’, ‘you should know what I want’, ‘You’re not listening to me’. All these statements are full of frustration and false expectations that come from the desire of having a relationship. There is nothing bad with wanting one as long as you don’t make a purpose out of it, such as solving all your unclear matters, especially ones that refer to the feeling of being single, a status that some find it scary.
It is the best to be honest at the very beginning: did you get into a relationship wanting to share everything with this person, or because you needed somebody to fill the void in your life? Emotional attachment defines a purposeful relationship. Once the purpose is achieved, the one who needed it may force the relationship to continue or may end it and hover about until they dare to face their own feelings.
Is your partner solely responsible for your happiness?
Nothing is more risky than putting control of your life, growth, and future into someone else’s hands. Thoughts like ‘he/she defines my life’, ‘completes me’ or ‘takes the best decisions for me’ can easily lead to projecting expectations of happiness upon your partner.
If you hear yourself saying ‘I love him/her more than I love myself’, you can’t breathe without your partner and panicking when things are not that smooth, madness is few steps away. It’s about time to ask yourself if there is anything left in this relationship for you. You feel you give him love and respect? Where would that come from if you don’t love and respect yourself? You can’t give what you don’t have, period.
Do you have any personal life left?
I hear people saying that they do everything with their partner. That’s sweet, but there should be some healthy boundaries. You don’t need to make sure you know all their schedule or that they must watch the movie you love the most, have the same hobbies or tag along with you to the places of your choice.
Every person is an autonomous creature, no matter how similar they might be with their partner. One of the very important points of growing a healthy relationship is introducing your partner to your life, telling them your story and letting them decide on what they want to do or share with you.
How about you start taking time for yourself? How do you know what you like, motivates you, what you are capable of and what you can bring in your relationship if you don’t also focus on your self-growth? You can be together while retaining your individuality.
Are you anxious that your relationship won’t last?
You are not scared it won’t last, you are scared of loneliness. Emotional attachment brings anxiety or fear of being lonely. A person who is thinking that way does not work towards partnership, but rather to a self-regress.
We all face this feeling at some point in life, but those who get comfortable in their own skin are not afraid of spending time on their own. Understand that life is still amazing and full of opportunities while being single.
You have to admit that nobody is guaranteed to stay in your life forever, not even with a marriage certificate or a child. The only one who does stick around in your journey for the rest of your life is you. So instead of focusing on what could go wrong, choose to appreciate the moments that make your days. Invest your energy into quality time spent with your partner and make the most out of it.