Reading Time: 3 minutes
Insecurities can be very stressful and are either brought from the beginning or they take shape at some point in a relationship. It often mirrors one’s self-esteem. We feel uncertain, concern, or we believe there is something going on. In most of the cases things work out but what happens when the puzzle isn’t sorted out naturally and we feel the need to have extra confirmations/ reassurances?
I invite you to have a look at 3 cases were insecurities can have a long stay.
Two is great, and that can be a team vibe. But what happens when we forget about “I” in the “we”?
“We have the same passcode and share social media accounts. We were very clear when we first got together we wanted access to each other’s. Everything no secrets. We’d both been in bad relationships with trust issues before. It’s really not an issue. We might use each other’s phone on occasion. We also don’t go out drinking without each other. It’s just not how we are. We are used to always do everything together. That’s the only way I can trust him.”
Having the same passcode and shared social media accounts does not automatically mean transparency and no secrets. It’s not about secrets first of all. It’s, in fact, interfering with personal space. By giving space you allow yourself to not always feel responsible or panicking. Your partner will then, feel you more supportive and caring. If you have to have access to his social media accounts or simply his phone, in order to build trust, proves, in fact, there is no freedom from doubts between you two. If you had been in relationships with trust issues, chances are that these issues were transferred in the current relationship. It’s like your partner has to prove he is not a past shadow instead of seeing him as he is, in present.
You also don’t go out drinking without each other. Why not? Individual time is just as important as couple time.
‘I need myself in order to be there for us’, is something that many forget to reflect on. Using too much of ‘we’ and forgetting there is an ‘I’, can easily lead to self-neglect, lack of personal goals, own perspective, choices and sadly much more. If you can’t see yourself in the long run, how can you build ‘we’?
“He’s always thinking that I am with some other guy or want someone else. I have never cheated or given him reason to think that I would. I have a couple guy friends (who he has met) that I talk to sometimes. I always let him read the conversations if he wants. He tends to be controlling and limits my activities behind work. His jealousy is really starting to irritate me and it’s getting worse and worse.”
Of course. He hasn’t built up trust, he has built up a fence. If the fence falls, so does his understanding.
But the real issue is not the fact that he doesn’t trust you because he doesn’t even allow himself to do so. He is controlled by insecurities.
Always proving and explaining is exhausting. Jealousy often means reading into things. Instead of confronting you with his suspicions, he can come to you with his feelings. Would help if talking about how he feels and seeing if you have any constructive feedback. Even better would be to see a therapist so you both can give yourself some peace and sort out what’s real and what’s not.
“He has cheated me in the past and even though I forgave him, I could not forget”.
It is known that cheating leads us further and further away from being able to have a fulfilling relationship with our partners. This is a harder one. Because cheating at any level involves breaking intimacy. There is pain and a feeling of isolation upon discovery of betrayal. Trust may be rebuilt with clear boundaries set and both accepting the huge risk. It may work or it may break. To make it work, the partners must shoulder responsibility because an opportunity to grow together again with respect and care is greatly restricted with cheating history.
In relationships can be the loss of trust, of caring, appreciation, respect, acceptance, and the loss of understanding. But there can be hope.
There is a time for hope. You both need to practice. And love can be mastered. Through being easy on your relationship, you are being easy on yourself. You both deserve that. Building a relationship should not mean struggle. Challenges, yes, but the presence of a constant feeling of struggle, fighting, accusing, or checking on each other for the purpose of validation, no.
Dissatisfaction in a relationship means we either want more or we simply don’t get what we need. And what are your real needs? And how can you communicate that better with your partner? Through preparation. Observe how you deliver the message. The tone matters in order for your partner to listen and receive.
A real challenge is creating solutions in which both partners feel supported. The more successful we are in fulfilling each other, the more we can rely on that support.